This year in numerology is a 9 year. It’s a finishing year. So if you have been sitting on the pot and putting off things you need to change or get rid of, (including people), you are probably feeling very uncomfortable right about now. At this time a whole wack of planets are in retrograde, thus pulling on our inner junk and emotions. This is the opportune time to not begin anything new and to examine our foundation. It’s time to re-evaluate what is not working and to make changes within to get you to where you need to be. If you are familiar with the cycle of personal growth, this time is perfect to dig out your deepest fears, your most hidden obstacles, and face your scary demons. Chances are they are already staring you in the face. Here is how I am using this time to my advantage and drudging through to the other side.
This past few months has been another fast growth period (which I’m so used to). But this one was different. There was no dramatic experience to learn from, or crazy situation going on so I can strengthen my boundaries or assertiveness skills. Nothing. Everything was exactly what I worked hard to create, and everyone around me was amazing. That was the lessen right there. I worked so hard, and even though I feel alive and free when I’m creating and doing, I didn’t stop enough to enjoy it or enjoy myself. I’m so driven and love the process so much that I didn’t spend enough time just enjoying it. So here’s how being stopped by my angels and guides has turned into the biggest blessing ever…
It started out as me panicking because what I call “my direct line” to my creative “source” was closed. Totally blocked. I felt dead creatively. This is a big thing for me, as this is my “thing”. It’s one of my “spidey senses” that I use every day. It’s my connection to spirit and my higher self that I rely on to make decisions, inspire new projects, and make decisions for my highest good and success. I channel daily and am divinely inspired to do everything I create in my physical world. It’s a blessing and a gift that I have uncovered after many years of personal growth, healing, and unlearning the beliefs I was conditioned with since childhood. Without my connection to spirit, if I create, I don’t know if it will fly or not. So I stopped creating. I started to do what I call digesting and digging.
If you know me, or have observed me since I have stepped out of my solitary life into public life, you know that I change and grow quickly. I create and grow and expand what I want in my physical world. I’m very familiar with my shadow qualities as well as what I’m good at. Being brutally honest with myself (as I make many “mistakes” along the way) has given me the knowledge and power to create change by healing deep issues through connecting directly with my sub-conscious. After over twenty years of inner child work, and other personal growth techniques, I then added the spiritual side eight years ago when my children and I began to “awaken” to different abilities. We also went through a huge life change.
So in January I began spending more time out on the floor in my store. Just having fun and enjoying time with my awesome staff. Each of them are so gifted in different ways. They also have grown so much since they began working for me. My store is a direct reflection of myself, and I have learned that those who work there or spend a lot of time there, are subject to the energy there. It’s very safe and accepting, but also very transformational. If you aren’t down with personal growth, then you won’t feel comfortable with the energy at Smudge. If you spend a lot of time there, it will pull out what is standing in your way to happiness and self-fulfillment so you can heal it. If you chose not to grow, it gets uncomfortable and it’s not the place for you at that time. It’s a place of self-expression. A porthole to awakening to your true self and your own personal path and purpose. It’s a place where you realize that spirituality doesn’t come in a special box. It comes in many forms and ways of being.
As I spent more time away from being busy, things started coming up. I began to become aware of not so pleasant things that I needed to work on. A big one was self-esteem and self love. I also need to toughen up a bit. I’m a very sensitive person and tend to hide away to avoid conflict or criticism. Also as a recovered co-dependent it’s a constant effort with reinforcing boundaries and being assertive.
Before I can move forward to my next project or task, I needed to clean up some stuff. A big self esteem and confidence clean up. So every way I turned someone said something derogatory, someone lashed out with hate, and someone lashed out with criticism. I felt like I was being emotionally bulldozed over and over again. And this was on top of the crazy things that others had done to me due to jealousy or insecurity. So I cried a lot. I got mad a lot. But I also used these experiences to dig deep inside my darkest corners and heal what was being triggered and needed healing. I followed my inner guidance and delved deeper into past lives and spent a lot of time reflecting and accepting the changes that I was experiencing.
Change is not an easy process, and most people give up once they feel the “pull back” from the old ways or habits they are pulling away from. They go back to drinking, they take the abusive spouse back, or they stay at the safe job. When you change, you (your subconscious mind) also go through the 5 steps of grieving. To acquire new habits or ways of thinking, you have to put your old ones to rest.
The thing about me is I almost always know what the purpose of things are, and I often know the end result. I don’t always know the steps it will take to get there. So I knew that I was working on inner strength and self esteem. I was also moving to a place where I didn’t care what people think or said. I’ve worked on this before but this was kicked up a notch. A few notches. And through it all, I’m stronger, I’m wiser, what I “know” is what matters. The tough situations and strong hurt brought out old inner tapes that needed to be acknowledged and let go. The critisms showed me who people really were and what their own junk was about.
I am only here to fulfill one task, and that is to do what I came here to do. And as always, I will do whatever it takes to do that. Even if that means enduring pain, or seeing parts of myself or others that are horribly unattractive.
With the shedding of the old, you tend to shed more than your own traits. Often people
leave your life, or you chose to cut ties and move on. You set new boundaries, and have new standards and values. As these leave, new things and people arrive that match your new vibration.
When you love yourself so much that you will do whatever it takes to heal and grow so that you can live your best life, and fulfill your purpose or experience here in the physical world, you are truly happy. No matter what anyone says or does, no matter what the popular thing is, or what your friends think, you are ultimately in charge of you.
So this is what self love is. And this is what is so important right now in this time of every planet going retrograde. lol! Stay grounded, detach from the chaos of others, and take this time to learn about what your angels and guides are telling you so you can shift and heal what is standing in your way to knowing your true self. By doing this you will reveal gifts you never knew you had, and receive blessings beyond what you can comprehend. As you peel the layers of and become your true self, you will find true happiness and fulfillment.